I don’t know how to explain my feelings, and I don’t why to explain here. Maybe this blog the only place tht secure for myself to share my own thought without be judge by the readers bcs no one who is Hayley Louch really is.

    I knew... every trouble could be solve but this time ... I just feel too weak to manage my own feelings and this could never can make someone understand or... I can never know how to tell this...

The feelings that u think u dnt have good about yourself anymore... u just feel that u such a useless and feel so so bad , yeah I know I’m too bad and really hate myselft for that...  like soo muchhhh 

The feel that u don’t have anybody ... and not loved by the family... I don’t know how to tell but I’m so sorry that I couldn’t manage my own feelings , I’m just letting myself to be not okay and ... 

There were many negative thoughts that were in my mind but it couldn’t be describe......

I just want to feel to be love again....... and need someone to helppp 

Half  Insane.

Im going like soo damn half insane, I don't know how trouble I am now. My heart so burn, full with pain and feel like urgh this life so annoy, Im Im Im so have the so stringy mind. Full of sadness and loneliness and waiting for some fix me, but who want to fix me? Iam alone. I want to fix myselft but as my mind going string or fibrous It was like Im half insane.

I think I just need friend.

Today, I spend all my day with tears then this night Im talking like crazy person. Sad, and mad does not feel happy. 

Got advices, anf feel that yes it's true but my heart pain, broke, and make me down not to hear the advices, lost my condfident and not have strength anymore.

I just need love, I just want people understand me, not give me advices and look me dirty just make me going down. Maybe the advices true but I won't here because I still hope people to understands me love me, at least, advices me with lot of love, with full of softness.

After breake into tears and now Im going insane. Think to fix my pain but actually make me more look like insane, losing hope and I just can describe it that Im DOWN.

Miss people I love but they not to miss me like I miss them. All people just going to blame me, I know Iam like a trouble but it was after I think hundred times about my pain, pain and pain.

I need love, softness love , true love that not look at me diry.

"If you do love them, you will never look at them dirty"

"whanever they diry themselft, making eror, you can give them advices with full of love and softness and not make them down"

"Advices have two roles either make people down or give them spirit"

Urghh, who will fix me now? Nonsene!

Bye.

It's our life, don't feel down, dont hope for someone to fix you, don't wait for love but find the love and fixe yourselft, keep your attitiude to avoid trouble, when face trouble don't give up, face it then when you success, don't be so arrogant, you have more trouble to face.

BEGINNER 'X'

Part 1-LMH

It has been a day I spent my time library. Keep away myselft from people. I mean, my friends, my family and espeacielly my brother, Luhan. I know you will think thet he is a korean but actually he's not. He owned the name but he's not a boy in EXO group. But I can't lie that he is an awesome boy that have many crazy girl want him. Ergh, I don't know how he can be so rockstar for girls and almost of them from our academy. I don't know how, but you also will can't believe it how you can be a little girl for a rockstar guy in the school. Now I need to keep away from him because I may kill by him if he find me. I broke his girlfriend's picture. The one girl who he love so much but actually they broke up last year.

By the way, It just and accident not a sabbotage. Yeah, I hate the girl also but I don't think to make a shit to my Luhan, the gorilla. Because I know the way he get angry will be like fucking hell you know.

But, it also be weird for me to stay here in a long time, while there is a stranger stare me lick sick. I don't know what his trouble to stare me like that. I smirk at him like a cruel murderer for a sign or It will be the fay I start to flirt him  maybe. He comes to me innoncently. "What do you want?" I keep my face like a cruel murderer.

"Hey, stop make that ugly face" He frowns straight into my eyes and like a sign fo 'Hye princess'. Gosh, Is he going to make me die with his perfect blue charming eyes? My heart skipped a beat. For a moment I can't quite speak.

"Hey who are you to judge me like that, freak." I yell on him but still in not too loud voice. "And why you stare me like sick, huh?!"

"emm, sorry little lady, I just want to know you, I notice that' you look like my girlfriend" He raises his eyebrows. "Did you know Hana John?"

Again, I can't quite speak. What, his girlfriend? Oh, It is my dream comes true? Be a girlfriend for a perfect guy like him. Oh, oh. Shut up Hana be serious, you don't know him , silly. 

"Did you?" He ask again as he sees me smile alone like a crazy girl.

"Actually, you should ask my name" I say not trying to laugh.

"Em, so What your name?"

"Hana John" I say it loudly , okay this really can't hold it anymore. Burst into laughter. Can't stop laugh. People frown me awkardly like 'Is this girl crazy?' but who care. I never care about it.

"Are you?" What, He don't believe me?

"Yeah, why not?"

"Oh I though you're a nice girl, but.. yes you're" Those eyes, lie to me. I hate that.

"Whatever" Do I care. " So, who are you?"

"Oh, I though you know me, emm, I am Smith Connor"

Oh shit, how can't I not realize this guy from begin? Oh man, I act so crazy infront my boyfriend. No, not my real boyfriend but just in online game.

x

I put my foodtray on the hide desk because it's locate behing a big pole. I open my milk boxand sip it slowly as I see a boy come with excitedly with his foodtray. His characters really make my day. Cute like a child.
"Hana, give me the loofah, give me that"
"yeah, yeah I know, I know" sound like a sister pamper her little brothe. Rudy Sullivan, he have no parents since he was thirteen. He lived with his aunty, near my house. He have no brother and sister or cousins or in other words he's abseloutly alone but not until he find me. Whanever we're in same age, he keep thought me as his sister and bestfriend sometimes.

"So Hana, Did you have some news?" He frowns at me while raises his eyebrows hardly. "Come on, cheer me up with some new"
"Smith arrival"
"What?" He stops chewing loofah. "The guy? How can it be? Where?"
"I met him yesterday at library. Ergh I don't know why, it's really like someone gives a dart straight to my heart, so hard"
He start to laugh. Am I do some funny? Okay, nonsene, I know.
"You're too much, It's enough to say it's like a heart attack"
He take a drink of his milk.
"Stop fool me, enough" I say.
Rudy always like that. Running from the point of the talk. Im better if we're not talk about yesterday, actually Im not in mood.

"So, What happened?"
"Like wanna talk to jail"
He gives me a close as he sees me not in mood." Is he give you a kiss?"
"Hey, He's not,"
"Yes he do"
"Im not a kind of girl that give kiss easily to guys"
"Yes you do"
"What on earth are you saying?"

TO BE CONTINIUED.